I recently shared the story of how I manifested my next step home; a house with a bathtub and a backyard in the country. I touched on how fear came up throughout the process but to be honest, I think I glossed over it a little. And, after a conversation with a dear friend of mine recently, I felt it was important to round back and really speak into the whole truth of living a courageous life.

Courage doesn't come easily to me (does it anyone?) but it's something I practice as much as I can. Maybe this is my Line 3 profile in Human Design or maybe it's just the experiences of my life that have gotten me to this point. Either way, the very real part of being courageous is the fear that comes to match it. Big courage = big fear.

When my dream 'next step' home popped up in my orbit, I was scared, yes, but mostly excitement was swirling in my body. Considering all the possibilities, dreaming of waking up to the country air, soaking in that beautiful claw-foot tub, wandering down to the main street and the gardens, creating a beautiful space specifically to work from home, and all of the excitement of a new place. It was also a time of relief to leave things behind: the small pokey apartment I lived in, the bathroom that was all but falling apart, the relentless traffic, the neighbours who would have domestics at all hours, the collective anxiety of Melbourne after so many lockdowns. There simply was so much to look forward to when it was still in the idea stage.

It's like jumping out of an aeroplane (okay, I've never done that, but I imagine it's like this). On the ground it seems super scary imagining the moment you have to jump, but when you're actually up there and faced with taking that physical leap, it's terrifying.

I vividly remember on the day I was driving to the town for the first time. My soul knew that this was it. My mind was trying to play it safe, protecting my ego from disappointment or pretending that I had a choice in this, but my soul knew. And that's when the fear gremlins climbed out of their car seats and started climbing over me trying to take over the steering wheel.

For the most part, the gremlins sit in the back, strapped in, calling out remarks to try and get to me. I acknowledge their presence and thank them for their input but just keep driving. But it's the moments when you're faced with needing big courage that they manage to get loose and try to hijack your momentum.

Moving to a small town. Leaving Melbourne. Moving away from friends and family. The loss of identity. Potential isolation. The financial costs of relocation. The difficulty of"breaking in" to a small town. Giving up all I have created here.

Tears welled up as I drove closer and closer to the town.

I sat with it (well, I had nowhere to run driving on a country road in the middle of nowhere) and allowed the gremlins to say what they needed to. I spoke with my guides (as I often do, alone in the car) and verbalised what I was feeling. I acknowledged all of the fears and felt the weight of them.

But I kept going, trusting that a big life meant big courage and big courage could overcome big fear.

I've mentioned before how the knowingness washed over me as I drove through the town, inspected the house, and wandered through the streets saying g'day to the locals. The peace driving home that afternoon. The pure ecstasy when I got the email to offer me the lease.

But, I guess the truth that we don't always share is... it was hard. Fear came up every step of the way. Even though I was completely ready for this next step, fear flitted around my apartment like little faeries as I packed up my life and prepared for the big move. Even after I moved in there was an adjustment period as the gremlins took up space in my new home.

It's kind of funny how we forget. Or we downplay the significance of our big courage after the fact. Sitting here now, less than two months in my new home, and I have already discounted the courage it took me to move here. It almost seems like 'no big deal'. But I really want to honour the Ellee that navigated the courage and the fear to get to this point because I know she felt a lot. And I know that all of the brave before me and the brave that is to follow (my own included) need to be seen and affirmed as they, too, navigate(d) the other side of courage.