Stories from a Sage

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Divorced at 25.

August 13, 20225 min read

Today marks seven years since I broke the news to my husband that I was leaving him. Seven years since the most difficult decision and the hardest conversation I have ever had to have. There's a theory that it takes the human body seven years to replace all of its cells and, whilst not proven, there is something quite powerful in the consideration that I am a completely different woman to the one I was back then. That, not only has my soul evolved, but my physical body has too.

So, it feels like a beautiful opportunity for reflection and sharing.

Back then, the reality was that everyone I knew, knew my story. They knew who I was as a young married woman and they knew that I was now a young separated (soon to be divorced) woman. But as time and life goes, the new people that come into my world have no idea of my past or the woman that I was. They simply get me as I am in this moment.

But the truth is, I would not be where I am today without that history and without the courage of the 25-year-old me that chose to pursue the truest, most beautiful version of life no matter the challenges and upheaval that it would bring. That version of me had no idea what it could possibly look like - I could barely see three steps ahead, let alone seven years - but she took the leap anyway.

This one impossible decision is such a clearly defining moment and catalyst for my life. Naturally, there was an incredible amount of work, and therapy, and heartbreak, and obstacles, but I honestly believe it lead to the greatest uncovering of my intuition and a life that I could never have even dreamed I would be living.

When I was younger, I was in search of my identity as, perhaps, most of us do. Raised in a culture of 'the good girl' narrative, I thought I would find it within my roles as a woman. Being a fiancée, being a wife, and, when that didn't fill my identity-void, believing I needed to become a mother to have meaning and purpose. As my life should unfold (and is my story to claim), my soul-remembering started to occur before we had brought children into the world and so I have been able to discover my identity-truth before stepping into the role of mum.

I haven't spoken about this part of my story in such a public way before but the impetus that put all of this in motion was that I started to question my sexuality.

Hindsight is 20/20 but it was a sequence of events that finally brought this long-hidden part of myself to the surface and to my consciousness to be examined and explored. I told a small number of my closest, most trusted people that this was what I was experiencing and I was met with nothing but love and support. Everything in Divine timing, they gave me the permission I was searching for (and could not yet give to myself) to explore this possibility and consider what exactly that might mean for my life.

I also needed external permission (for me this came from a holistic counsellor) that, not only was it okay to want what I wanted, but it was okay for me to change my mind.

Once I'd opened that can of worms, I got to a point where I told myself it was 'now or never'. Retrospectively, I can see that that is a lot of pressure (and not even truth) to have put on myself but I think I needed that kind-of ultimatum to get me to move. I chose myself - my truest, soul-aligned self - with a deep-seated knowing that I was destined for a bigger life than I had been living.

It's so difficult to talk about this part of my life without worrying about how it will be perceived, particularly with another person being involved in the story. So I need to say that I have all of the respect and gratitude and love for that part of my life. There is no regret or blame or rejection of those years. They are equally part of my story and this incredible, crazy journey I get to call my life. There is no comparison to any others' stories or paths but I truly honour how hard it is to leave when things aren't 'bad', just not 'right'.

I've had moments where I've thought "I understand why people stay - this is fucking hard!" but way more moments where I've thought "I'm so incredibly grateful I got on this train and, even though I have no idea where it's taking me, it's the truest, wildest ride I've ever experienced!".

Layer by layer, I have been able to uncover my identity, my meaning, my purpose (and my sexuality) in this lifetime over the years that have gotten me to here. I truly believe that this is a life-long journey and that, as we continue to evolve, there is always more to discover about ourselves and why our soul came to be in this lifetime.

From this place, I have also been able to take a greater perspective and witness my experiences, my growth, and the 'fruit' that comes from that. There will always be challenges and plain old really-fucking-hard times (our soul's journey here can often feel like climbing Mt Everest!) but the ease and flow I have found around those times, the alignment and the surrender I am experiencing with the totality of my life, and the adventures that have only been possible because of my resilience and perseverance, make the climb so worth it.

Ellee is a qualified holistic counsellor accredited with IICT. She has a Bachelor in Complementary Medicine and is passionate about all things spiritual wellness.

Ellee Picken

Ellee is a qualified holistic counsellor accredited with IICT. She has a Bachelor in Complementary Medicine and is passionate about all things spiritual wellness.

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